Open Letter to My Dad


Hi dad, 

I have been pondering the idea of writing to you for weeks now, mainly because I feel like there is no closure to this situation. For a while I wanted to write you to make up, to be the bigger person and say enough is enough but I can’t lie, I was scared of you throwing it back in my face and me getting angry that I ever tried because let’s face it, your more stubborn than I am. 

I decided that an open letter on my blog would be the best option because you might read it, you might not. If you do then great, if you don’t then I hope my words help someone else who has experienced similar. This letter will not bash you at all and if it comes across in that way then I apologise, I just need to get this off my chest. 

It is now August 30th as I sit and type this, I live less than a 10 minute drive from your house but I guess I was kidding myself when I thought you might have sent me a card for my birthday, I know you didn’t forget, I know you, you can’t forget the day you met me. I was your best friend from the moment I came out, we were best friends and it’s a shame that had to change. In all honesty, I knew there was a strong possibility that I wasn’t going to hear from you so I was prepareing myself for that blow, but dad, it was a blow that never came. I never felt the heartache you are supposed to feel when something like that happens, instead of the heart wrenching, lump in throats feeling, I felt pretty much nothing, a little disappointed but nothing too major. See, when I realised that card would never come, I was at my birthday meal, surrounded by everyone I loved, everyone who I grew up with and everyone I could possibly want in one room and I realised then that our relationship breaking down didn’t have to break me.

I wasn’t going to write this letter until today when I found myself driving home from work, belting out Because Of You by Kelly Clarkson. Now this is no sob story, in fact it’s the opposite. Dad you know this song is a song to her Dad, and I know you know the lyrics but as I was singing my heart out I thought ‘wait, I can’t relate’. As you know, in this song she sings the below.

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don’t get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don’t know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I’m ashamed of my life

Because it’s empty

Because of you

I am afraid

I am none of those things, the loss of one of my parents propelled me to become a better human, better woman, better friend, better girlfriend and better family member because I swear, I will love those people who are in my life harder than you can comprehend! I will make them laugh, I will be there to wipe away the tears and I vow to live life so fucking hard because losing you taught me to cherish every minute. My life is so full of love dad, and I really hope that puts a smile on your face because I know you care, even if it isn’t in the right way.

Thank you Dad for making me the woman I am today, I will not cower away from life, because of you. 

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