As I am writing this it is 11.04am on a bad mental health day and I felt compelled to write this post because I believe that talking about the issues that people who suffer with mental health issues have to face is a step towards resolving the stigma. This lead me to want to do a day in the life style post about my day when its a bad one.
9.30am – I woke up shaking because of nightmares, although I had an evening where I felt fairly ok, when I went to sleep I didn’t sleep well and had strange dreams, when my boyfriend left the bed this morning and I went back to sleep (after he got me a hot water bottle and let me know there was a drink on the side, he’s an angel) and had the most horrible nightmares that lead me to wake up feeling clammy and shaky. For me personally, I know when I am feeling overly anxious rather than just stressed because my hands and feet go clammy (which I despise, I have never had this issue previously to actually having anxiety) and I rub my feet together. I don’t have a clue why this happens but its blooming annoying because once I notice this, I then panic about panicking which for any one who has experienced anxiety will know how annoying this is. For anyone who is thinking, well that’s strange, I know it is. It makes absolutely no sense but it happens and usually makes things ten times worse.
11.04 – I have picked up the laptop to write my feelings down and I keep going back on myself. My writing seems crappy and I can’t create a coherent sentence so I have written a to do list for today. It is as follows.
- wash my face, brush my hair and teeth, moisturise.
- clean up and do the washing up.
- watch comedy tv or a tv show that makes me laugh.
- vacuum everywhere.
- sort out dinner.
- go for a walk.
I know it’s short and simple but this means that I will get the basics done and won’t stay in bed all day. If I complete the list I have decided I’ll treat myself to a cake. The last thing on the list isn’t something I am sure I can do at this point in the day but I am going to ask my boyfriend to come with me so I know it will be good for me and if he is there to hold my hand I should be ok. Mid way through writing that paragraph I had to answer the door to a parcel and now my heart is pounding. It wasn’t particularly an issue and I was prepared because I knew it was coming but the little pad they ask you to sign on didn’t work great, now don’t ask me why that made me nervous but now my heart is pounding. I am back upstairs in my safe place and about to try to complete my list.
From this point on the entries are goals because my writing this post and thinking about how I feel, it is making me feel worse so I am going to finish this post and get on with my list.
12.30 – By this point, I hope to have tidied up and even taken a look at what food there is to eat. A gal needs to eat, even when i am anxious I force myself to eat because if I don’t I feel even worse.
1.15 – At this point, I plan to get washed and dressed, no make up because although that makes me feel better I want to use some luxurious face oils to pamper myself.
4.00 – I know I have allowed a lot of time for the above but I feel like taking the time to take care of myself and make myself feel better (fingers crossed) . My aim for today is to get myself to a point where I feel ready for work tomorrow.
7.00 – I want to cook a dinner today for my boyfriend and I, I have no clue what yet but I want dinner on the table by this time and fingers crossed, a walk on the cards.
I will probably spend most of the night cuddling my boyfriend and hopefully playing something distracting like UNO or maybe even a board game. I know that for some people the prospect for a day like this is much better than their bad mental health day and I also understand that for some people this day would be awful and unimaginable to think that your mind restricts you like this but I feel lucky, lucky that this is a bad day, not every day. Lucky that they are once in a blue moon and lucky that I know how to help myself. I am blessed to be able to look at these days in a strategical way, rather than eating lost in the doom and gloom, and for this, I will be forever grateful.
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Come see what I get up to when I’m not writing all of my ramblings for you all (spoiler alert: it involves lots of food, wine and television but hey, I like to think I’m a little bit interesting).