Today is World Mental Health Day as I am sure most of you are aware, it seems to be plastered everywhere and to me, this is wonderful. I love that more and more people are raising awareness because so many bloody people are ignorant. I thought today I would share an insight into my life, particularly this weekend and today to show you, a little bit what it’s like from my point of view as someone who suffers with anxiety (I always wonder if anxiety deserved a capital A, I mean, a cold isn’t written ‘Cold’ is it ?) so I hope you, not enjoy it but I hope if your interested it gives you more of an insight and makes you more aware.
Saturday morning I woke up next to my boyfriend and felt like deflated balloon, like I couldn’t get enough air or as if someone was sitting on my chest and my mood matched that completely (fuck, it is so weird telling you guys this by the way, like so uncomfortable). I don’t know about anyone else but when I feel like this, I don’t have an appetite, I feel hungry in the basic sense but I don’t want to consume anything and the thought of doing so makes me want to gag (which is annoying because food is my life) so I went to breakfast with my boyfriend although I didn’t eat anything. We mooched round the stores where I just like sobbing for no reason and left early. For anyone who knows me knows I can walk around shops for years but I really didn’t have the energy, I went into Boots and got some food (this is also where my boyfriend smashed a large Yankee Candle, I couldn’t love him more bless him) but after getting some food from Boots we left because I didn’t have the energy and I felt panicked being around everyone and wanted to get back in my bed where I felt safe.
When I got back to bed I fell asleep for an hour or two whilst my boyfriend watched TV, which because I was feeling sensitive upset me because it meant I missed out on time with him, I know that sounds insane but when I was in the moment I honestly was so disappointed in myself. I was due to go to a wedding that night but I just couldn’t get myself into that frame of mind, I didn’t want to face anyone so we stayed in and stayed in bed where I felt safest.
I woke up and went to work the next day, I felt a bit down and jumpy but nothing to write home about so I had a glass of wine and did some writing after work. I honestly think that wine gives me nightmares though and have suspected this for a couple of weeks because last night I had really vivid stressful nightmares and it really threw me. I woke up feeling panicked and paralysed by fear. I had woken up on time but I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, I felt sick and hot but cold at the same time and had to lay there and take my mind of things by breathing and thinking about good things, once I felt a tad better I got up and got ready for work.
I am at work now on my lunch break as I write this up and I still feel under attack, maybe that’s the best way to explain it, I feel jumpy, I feel tearful and I feel frustrated because I don’t want to feel this way, I really don’t. I don’t want to be writing this post. I don’t want to be feeling blooming defeated and I don’t want to have to deal with all of this but do you know what makes it worse ? People who dismiss it. So please be aware.